We got married as ‘strangers’

By Ignatius Eyah

I met my wife in an unconventional way. I called it ‘unconventional’ because it is not the usual way most men have said they met their wives.
When I was ready to get married, as is the custom in my area, I told my people that it was time. I told my sisters and aunts, who had before then been bombarding me with queries on when I would eventually settle down.
Many of them had their candidates, who did not really measure up. I was taken to school hostels, event venues, homes, etc. But I was not satisfied with the girls I saw.
It is tradition in my clan that when you are ready to get married, you give your relatives the specification of what you want in a woman, because they will be the ones to assist you in getting a good wife.
Marriage in my village is a communal thing, it involves the family. Hence you can’t choose a woman alone; you have to involve everyone in the family if you actually want to get their blessings.
There is also the belief that you have to marry a woman from your village, because of the issue of infidelity. Probably because our culture trains girls to be responsible, and so believe that a woman from the same village as the man will always have the fear of God and of the community, such that the issue of infidelity will not arise.
Once the man makes up his mind and makes a choice, we don’t bother so much about her upbringing, because those who made the recommendations would have checked the family first-hand.
Mine was just to check out the physical appearance and make an overall assessment. On this particular day, there was a recommendation that I check out someone in a neighbouring village. On the way, a friend suggested that there was another girl on the same route, who had just completed her National Youth Service.
So, there we went. And I liked what I saw, hence I couldn’t continue with any other search. Even though she didn’t know what our mission was that day. I returned to Lagos shortly after. After a couple of weeks, I made my intention known to her, and a month after, we commenced the marriage rites.
In a nutshell, we got married as strangers and over time, we grew the relationship into a wonderful home, one born out of true love.
We didn’t marry for what we call ‘love’ but it grew in the family as we progressed. I can assure you that our love has continued to grow. For us, maybe because we were not lovers from the beginning, we wake up every day to discover new ways of appreciating each other. This may not work for many people, but it worked for my wife and I.
The fact is it sometimes works better when you marry as strangers, and then nurture your friendship from the scratch. It will definitely grow. We have heard about people who dated for 10 years before marriage only to separate after three years.
It has been six years down the line for us, and every day I admire my wife as if she were a young girl I had just met. I cannot trade her for someone else. It has indeed been a very rewarding marriage.
Since then, I have never had cause to miss my past girlfriends, and I never had the intention of returning to any of them. I have found solace in my wife and that does it for me.
Of course, there are occasional hiccups, but they are not so serious for me to regret marrying her. The marriage has been blessed with lovely kids, and in terms of resources, I am better off now than when we just got married.
She is not the materialistic kind and has been helping with good ideas on how to manage our income. Another important point is that because of my wife’s well-known background, there have been no worries on my part about infidelity because she has as much confidence in me as I have in her.
For us, Valentine is a celebration of a love that has grown over time. We have an understanding born out of a mutual respect for each other, knowing that we come from different backgrounds.
We have to open our minds to tolerate each other. I just got her a posh handset and I intend to take her out with the kids on Sunday, a day before Valentine’s Day, so that I can be at work on Monday. Moreover, it is an opportunity to tell her she is the best thing that has happened to my life.


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