Quest for independence or excuse for loneliness?

A solitary lifestyle may fulfill the yearnings for independence nursed by many, but it nonetheless holds a host of negative implications worth knowing, writes Yemisi Nnnamdi-Manuel

yemihayday4u@yahoo.com

 

By all accounts, the 21^st century is defined by congestion and so much fuss, so it is no surprise that solitary living is embraced by many, especially the youths. Nowadays, many youngsters in their 20s prefer living alone, at least before they settle down to start families of their own.

But the trend is not limited to the young, because observers say there is an increase in the percentage of people living alone globally, as separated or divorced couples and singles. This raises a poser: is there something so attractive about living alone, or is it just an excuse for introverts without the company of family and friends to lead what can only be termed a lonely lifestyle? Most importantly, does this way of life have negative health implications?

Ogbolu Emeka, a professional psychiatrist, says those who embrace a reclusive lifestyle without the company of family and friends are susceptible to many things, most of which are negative. “If one does not think such people exist, check the annual list of suicides. How many people, tragically and sadly, take their own lives each year, because they are lonely? How many others turn to alcohol and drugs to fill the void in their lives in an attempt to drown the pain of their isolation? How many others still try to remove the pain, loneliness and hurt by engaging in endless sexual encounters with other people in an empty pursuit to fill this emptiness, placing their lives and well-being, including those of others at risk by so doing? There are many people living in loneliness; some hide it better than others. But they exist in larger numbers than most people realise,” argues Emeka.

This reclusive fad, however, does a lot more than affect individuals embracing it, because it has ripple effects on their loved ones. With today’s soaring divorce rates, for instance, the reality that a child would be raised by a single parent –or sometimes in a foster home- is one of the negative spin-offs from this trend.

Modinat Badmus, a divorcee and mother of three, has been separated from her husband for four years. Now in her mid-50s, she lives alone in a two-bedroom apartment at Egbeda, a suburb of Lagos . Her husband has denied her access to her three boys, for which reason her loneliness is more profound.

“I was depressed for the first two years of our separation, and worry about my children and my life every moment. I mean, I live alone and so many people see me as a failure, one that refused to endure assault and battery each day. Anyway, I’m still praying for divine intervention. But I have been able to cope with my solitary life. It’s a battle, but you either learn to fight and survive or you die. It’s that simple,” she says with finality.

Tolu Oladeji, a marketer, says she started living alone when she moved to Lagos Island after landing a swell job with a bank. She is quick to admit it’s not been fun and games: “It’s not easy staying alone. I’ve been lonely because no relative or friend is with me. There are times I naturally swing into moods; but I either go out or invite friends over.

“Living alone is not the best anyway because anything can happen at any time, and there won’t be anybody there to help you,” she observes.

Meanwhile, Akande Daniel, a cleric, says a reclusive lifestyle is not so bad, and can even be used positively in most cases. “Times of solitude, isolation, or silence can be used to find God, the essence behind every living energy and soul. You can’t do this if you’re constantly involved in an atmosphere of noise, chatter and other distracting environments. To me, therefore, with this understanding, living alone can be a divine gift if you know how to exploit it to give courage and hope,” he notes.

Femi Anjorin, a pastor and family counsellor, does not agree with Daniel: “I’ll not advise anyone to decide to live alone. At least have somebody close-by - a sister, brother, or even a friend. This is because I’ve seen and heard of cases of deaths or accidents in the middle of the night, where neighbours did not try to come out to help because they were afraid!”

He has a tragic experience to share: “A brother I knew died like that. He lived alone and only God knew what happened during the night, but he was found dead at dawn by his friend who usually drove him to work by 5:30 am everyday.”

Emeka once again asserts that life itself is a battle and one should not create unnecessary stress with a solitary lifestyle, because if such is the case, fear of the unknown and loneliness will be inevitable.

“Living alone is traumatic for a lot of people who do not have emotional problems, because in truth, no man is an island. Life’s problems could make someone change overnight, and it is the duty of those around the person to seek help and provide necessary support,” he advises.

So what do experts say loners should do to either get out of the woods or cope with their plight? Hear them: “Be of good courage, because you’re definitely not alone. Use that opportunity to get personally stronger. Redirect inner energy and focus in life towards greater advancement.

“Secondly, be happy with who you are. Value your isolation, because in truth, we’re all born alone. Make the best use of your status right now by getting a hobby. Do something you love, that will make you feel fulfilled. Moreover, render help to others because by so doing, you indirectly help yourself.

“Read more, exploit your potentials. Spread your wings and fly. Find small joys each day, making it a point to build a whole life, to make the difference between happily living alone and being lonely.”