Marriage lessons from parents

Marriage lessons from the older generation


All over the world, the concepts of ‘marriage’ and ‘family’ are held in high esteem. This, however, is no surprise because it is in the family that important lessons such as moral values, house chores, respect, honesty, forgiveness, love, among others, are imparted to children. For this reason, lessons learnt from the family unit should be taken very seriously.
Many parents may not know this, but the quality of their married life leaves an indelible impression on their children. Therefore, many young adults recall what their childhood is like, and fashion their own marriages around this model.
Doris Akande, a family counsellor with a local church, says most children unconsciously do what they see their parents do: “If a man’s parents were happily married, he too will grow to know how two different people can somehow manage to live a life together happily. But if he grew up wondering why his parents couldn’t be happy together, he might either grow into that unconsciously - finding fault with everything his wife does - or personally decide his own marriage will never be the same as his parents’.” She therefore counsels couples to take their day-to-day relationship seriously.
Amanda Phillips, a mother of one, learnt from her parents that marriage takes a lot of work. “When things got bad with my husband, I remembered my parents’ perseverance,” she recalls. “They taught me that marriage is hard work. I then realised that my marriage was going to survive; so my husband and I had to put in a lot more effort.”
Dayo Ogunlana, a businessman, joins Amanda in saying his parents’ marriage affected the way he dealt with parenthood. “My father and mother focused all of their energy on us, the children. So, growing up, we always did things together as a family, and had lots of fond memories of a happy marriage,” he recalls. “When I settled down, I improved on what I learnt from them - to always be there for my children. I included my wife in the whole package, and our home is one of happiness and bliss.”
However, not everybody feels that the relationship shared by parents has any bearing on the quality of their marriage later on in life. Amos Felix, father of two, for instance, observes that marriages are always different. “You just can’t compare your parents’ marriage to yours, because they can’t be the same. I was about 19 years of age when my parents divorced. What prevailed and what I remember most was their arguing and fights. And afterwards, they’d refuse to talk to each other for days, creating a lot of tension and repressed anger in our house as we grew up. So, I was not surprised when they decided to get a divorce after many years of marriage. However, I made up my mind never to let the silent treatment be a part of my marriage.”
But apparently, it is different strokes for different folks, since Abey Ayorinde unconsciously mirrored his parents’ marriage when he was newly married. “I realised just how much I was mirroring their relationship. I identified some traits of my father, such as getting angry easily and shouting a lot at my wife. Then one day, we both sat down and talked. We both knew that we wanted our marriage to be different from our parents’, so we had to get over that communication hurdle to set us on a path of appropriate and positive changes.
“I started talking with a low voice when angry, trying as much as possible not to raise my voice at her. It was hard but I tried and now, it’s over. We are happy because I was able to separate myself from my father’s bad trait.”
Lola Akinola, a businesswoman and mother, however has some words of advice for couples desirous of avoiding a replication of their parents’ mistakes in their own relationships. “What I will say is that partners should be their own friends. I learnt this from my own parents, who always joked about everything. That house did not have any sadness in it, and nobody was allowed to be sad. This taught me that playfulness is a vital part of marriage,” she says.
Peter Adigun, an author, feels the same way: “Both my parents always talked till late into the night when I was a kid. These nightly conversations made me appreciate how important it is to be able to talk to your spouse. They were always kind to each other too. My mother used to tell me that my father was smart, hardworking, and a quick learner. Her example of talking about my dad in a good light carried over into my marriage. My wife and I always compliment each other in front of our children. We don’t try to make our marriage look perfect, but we don’t berate each other either.”

Deriving joy from little things in life

Deriving joy from the little things in life


As varied as individuals and families are, so are those happy moments that they hold dear. What makes one event memorable for one individual may not necessarily be the same for another. For some, that defining moment may be as simple as a smile early in the morning, a hug from a friend, the birth of a baby, a new car, or something as simple as a greeting card.
But as stressful as family and work lives are, especially when the global financial crisis is added to the mix, is it really possible to derive happiness from anything? A cross section of the public in the know tell it like it is.

“Every morning, I give my wife and children hugs before leaving for work. I feel that pure joy each morning and that sets me off for the day. And anytime I feel exhausted, angry, confused, or disturbed, immediately I get home, my youngest son is always the one running through the door to greet me. That immediately lifts my heart. It has been therapeutic for me over the years, my remedy for bad times.”
John Imola, businessman and father of four

“There is lots of fun in town, but I truly derive much pleasure from just being by myself in a sparsely populated countryside, such as my home town in Ondo State . I get to see the natural beauty you can’t capture in town: the mountains, rivers, water falls, and birds singing. All this makes me very happy and fulfilled. You can’t capture such rare moments, they’re simply unforgettable!”
Tony Duke, banker


“I have had many happy moments in my life with my great family; parents, brothers, sisters. Some of them are long gone now (dead), but the moments we shared together will always remain with me forever, ever lingering and bringing smiles to my face when I’m down or unhappy.”
Aisha Dimka, marketer and mother of two

“Anywhere I am - at work, in the car, home - I just love listening to my music. Another one is going for a ride in the car with no destination, seeing old friends, and visiting places with fond memories from my childhood. I value those things highly.”
Anita Amaka, advert practitioner

“Being happy and making others feel happy is the most divine thing on earth. That’s why I really appreciate happiness. I’m most happy when I’m teaching too; every moment for me is cherished. You can’t ever take it back. My students are happy to learn from me, and they tell me the class is always vibrant, like we are in heaven. This gives me much pleasure and fulfilment, and I believe if you make others happy, you are rendering service to God Almighty.”
Paul Emeka, pastor and father of three

“Seeing a set of twins really made my heart swell for joy and I still have that feeling each time I see them. Interestingly, I had them as I was turning 40 years of age, and five years later I’m yet to have another. So that has been the greatest delight in my life so far!”
Bolatito Badmus, housewife

“Simple things as going out sightseeing, window shopping, eating ice cream in the park, playing in the rain and spending time with my family are cherished moments. Those are the things that really matter in life, doing fun things and spending time with the people you love.”
Morenike Amao, student

“Whenever I get into a melancholy mood, I write positive letters to myself in form of poems, and that lifts me completely from such a mood. I spend a good time writing poems about how I feel everyday, moment and hour. Any time I feel low, writing and reading my selected poems becomes my ‘happy moment.’ It has helped me through tough times and makes me more confident about myself and the obstacles in my life.”
Daniel Ofurum, marketer

Taking time to appreciate positive and simple things happening in our daily lives can help boost our overall satisfaction and ability to cope with tough times.
True happiness is as simple as focusing on the small moments and cultivating positive emotions everywhere we go. All it takes is the decision to grace every difficulty with a smile!